Relationships: When You're Both Sick

I am not talking about when you and your partner have a cold at the same time (although that poses its own set of problems). I would like to discuss the relationship where the co-habitating partners both have significant illness. There are probably a thousand iterations of this scenario but let’s stick with the fact that we have IBS and that our partner has some other sort of serious sickness. How do you cope? What about our moods, our stability from day to day and how does that coincide with theirs? It is a very important question to address when the person we love suffers as we do. There are no quick and easy answers. I will simply try to share what I’ve experienced and what I think I’ve learned.

Empathy vs. sympathy

There are a lot of common themes that come up with this conversation. The first that comes to mind is the difference between empathy and sympathy. I think when the person you love is hurting and so are you, what you each want is understanding and a feeling of support. Simply saying, ‘I’m so sorry you feel bad, I wish I could take it away’ is sympathy and in my experience doesn’t go very far in strengthening the bond you need to have when trying to support each other through your individual troubles. I’m not saying that you should never say something sympathetic, but the core of your support for both your partner and yourself should be empathy. Through doing your best to ‘put yourself in their shoes’ and providing support based on those thoughts, the relationship may thrive more naturally. Setting boundaries, I think, is also a really key component here. There are times when one, or both, of you simply cannot support the other. There should be really good communication from both parties when support cannot occur. There are times, as we’ve said so many times before, when you need to put yourself first.

I was in a relationship like the one I’m talking about today. We loved each other so much that we both became so enmeshed in the other’s illness, that the worry, the resentment, the stress and the accompanying difficulties that follow this type of relationship, eventually ended us. I can honestly say that at one point, I know that I was suffering what some call sympathy pain. I think I prefer the term ‘Empathy Pain.’ I was sick all the time and so was she. We tried to set boundaries, but that is much easier said and done. My final thought, is that if a relationship in which both partners are sick is going to work, then BOTH people involved need to understand and accept that it will be difficult and that work will need to be done to help the relationship survive. Commitment, I think. It’s tough, but I believe in you ;-)