New to the Forum, and constantly in fear

Hello, I am new on this site, and the Forum. I have been suffering on and off for about 12 years or so, but officially since my first colonoscopy, at 44. I had an early colonoscopy because I was certain I had colon cancer, and was out of my mind. My results were completely normal and was prescribed Xanax. Since then I have been on various antidepressants and sedatives, and had many good periods. And then, 2 and half years ago I was given multiple strong antibiotics for tooth infection & surgery, and got C Diff Infection. ALthough I was successfully treated ( and pretty fast considering how people can suffer long from it), my IBS became much worse. Everything I use works fine until it does not. I also have very high anxiety, severe depression, OCD, and now, abnormal fear that I will have to take antibiotics again, sometime in my life. Any suggestions, or piece of advice is welcome. I am also kind of due for another colonoscopy, but I heard it can flush out one’s good bacteria, that I have been working on rebuilding for more than 2 years now. Sometimes I feel so scared that I want to end it all - but I know I will not in reality.