Funny stories

Let's see.. I don't even know if I have any funny stories! They're mostly filled with anxiety and frustration lmaoooo.


There was this one time where some friends and I stopped by another friend's house. His folks were having a house party and we were invited for some drinks and food. Naturally, we went right for the candy and pizza. Like the hooligans we were. We were hanging out in the garage, not even in the threshold of his house, when the cramps hit me. Like a wave of satan washing over my hell tummy. I asked to use the potty.


I went to his guest bathroom, near the kitchen... can I just rant about that for a sec? Why do houses ALWAYS put a bathroom within earshot of the food area. The house's watering hole. The most trafficked room? Like hey, try eating your guacamole while I blast away into your cool toilet.


So I go poo and clear myself out; just glad I got there. I try to flush.


Nothing.


I PANIC. I look under the counter for spray, nothing. Plunger or toilet brush around the back? Nope. It was at this moment when a lady knocks on the door and nearly opens it.


I'm in here! I sheepishly call out as I devise a game plan. It wasn't until after I closed the lid that I realized that there was a Piece of PAPER. Taped to the TANK, BEHIND the lid mind you. Asking for only pee.


WHAT. Why would it be THERE? Why wouldn't it be like, on the door, or the MIRROR. No, I just have to hunt for it after I've desecrated this room.


So yeah, I just ran away. somehow I was able to pop out of the bathroom and bob and weave through a crowd of party goers. Leaving the scene of the crime with haste. I return to my friends, who were checking out his basement full of civil war miniatures, and urge them to leave.


We need to leave, right now


It was only after we started taking a few steps towards the stairs that my friend Peter walked right through the basement's ceiling light bulb. Just completely shattering this naked dangling incandescent bulb. This dude phased right through it like it might as well not be there.


OF COURSE! I check his scalp as we apologized and rushed out of the house, away from the damage and poo and shame. He was okay, the toilet was not.