The Hell Fires

Dear Journal:

I realized today that I have been having relatively severe IBS attacks for about a year now. Sometimes I get a break for a month or so, but then back to the discomfort, anxiety and the couch. How am I supposed to live this way? I know others have suffered for much longer, so I feel bad for complaining, but I'm not used to being SICK. I know that when I was first diagnosed with IBS, I read over and over again about this thing being incurable, but I don’t think I really understood what this meant for my life. I thought that if I had a positive outlook and did MOST of the things my doctor told me, that this would be no big deal and that my body and mind had been through much worse. Well, it has… but this doesn’t change the fact that I need to change my life again. I have to change, because the IBS won’t. What doesn’t bend breaks, right? Well, there are days that I think I will, from the pure frustration of feeling out of control of this awful condition. Ever have those ‘why me?’ days? Well, I’ve been having a lot of those lately. Today for example, as I’m typing this entry, there is road construction going on in my guts and I can barely keep my eyes open. What next? My body is weakened from inactivity and lack of exercise, because just when I’m starting to feel better and maybe get myself to the gym, I get hit again. What the f***?

‘What’s next?’

I guess the question I keep asking myself is 'what’s next'? What if I get some other condition or disease, what if I can’t work, what if I’m never able to enjoy the things I once enjoyed? I guess if I listen to the little voice inside, the answer is NOT NOW. I don’t know what will happen next. I only know what’s happening right now and it sucks. The little voice inside tells me that’s all I need to know RIGHT NOW. If I only deal with what’s happening right now, I think I feel a little bit better. It’s when I start piling the questions, concerns, information and analysis, one on top of the other, that things start spinning out of control. If I look at all the things I have done to help myself manage this condition, I can honestly say I’ve done a lot. This is great, but this is a marathon, not a sprint. I need to slow down and take account of how I am today. Well, the unfortunate answer is ‘not good’. So, I know I need to allow myself to feel crappy without regret, without remorse, and without judgment. I just feel crappy, right now. I can only do what I can do and I am good with that. As long as I can live in this moment, I am always ok. I have support mechanisms in place, I have my diet somewhat under control, I have a good doctor and good friends. I am a strong person who has faced demons and the Hounds of Hell. I need to remember who I am and where I came from… come to think of it, I don’t have to remember… because I already know. I’ve always known. So bring the Hell Fires… I’m ready again. Thanks, Journal. You’re a pal ;-).