I am a Parent and I Have IBS

By tmholland

2 min read

I don’t think I really thought that my IBS would have a direct affect on my kids. Some of you with kids, might be thinking, ‘why would you think that? It’s obvious that it would affect your kids.’ I think the main reason, for me, is that I am a divorced father. I have my kids about 35-40% of the time and thought maybe I could just hide it. I also have twin twelve year old boys, one with Autism, that I can happily say are very smart, very calm and well adjusted kids (says their Dad :-)). As my illness progressed, however, I started realizing that I could not hide it. This disorder had become part of my life, and correspondingly and unfortunately, part of theirs.

Sick...a lot

I have mentioned before that I tend to suffer some extreme malaise and muscular issues following a really bad flare. Before I learned to manage the IBS a bit, I was sick a lot. By a lot, I mean two or three times a month, for about a year. My sons started to say things like, ‘are you sick this week?’ ‘are you sick again?’ ‘how is your stomach?’ and the like. This bothered me so much. As a parent, you want your children to believe that you are strong and able to handle anything. The last thing you want them to worry about is...YOU. I brushed it off and blamed my days on the couch as a nasty stomach virus. I mentioned before that my kids are smart, right? Well, of course they knew that people didn’t get stomach viruses two or three times a month. I believe this is part of the reason I became so involved with my own recovery with IBS. I knew I could not make it go away, but that if I learned about the illness and made serious efforts to help myself feel better, then perhaps I could get it under control enough to avoid worrying my kids. This was stressful, actually, because then I felt as though that I needed to BEAT the IBS in a certain amount of time, which led to more problems. When my one son suggested maybe I see a doctor or go to the hospital about my stomach, it hurt me pretty bad, but also motivated me to persevere.

Your children's concern

Your children’s concern is just one aspect of the difficulties of parenting with IBS. You have responsibilities as a parent, that a lot of times, the IBS is simply not willing to comply with. I think the conclusion that I’ve come to is a pretty basic one. In order to be as strong and available as we can for our kids, we do have to spend some quality time caring for ourselves. This is not a new idea. If I am no good to myself, then I won’t be any good for them. That’s why I exercise, that’s why I work on my diet, my stress levels, my mental health... That’s why, at very least, I am managing my IBS better than I was a year ago, being fully aware that IBS is very sneaky and can stop responding to a routine at a moment’s notice. Realizing that IBS does concern your kids is important, if only to realize that you need to care for yourself the best you can.

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Thank you... in my mind your children are fortunate that you take their concerns into account while you are going through this yourself. Without frightening children, my personal opinion is that children absorb what they can handle, and sometimes takes away fears not adds to them, depending on words chosen,.. to their age level, what the illness is etc. My children were older when I first started and I sort of hid it from them, when got worse and additional problems, had to tell them. Now they are older I have a different problem in that they make delicious meals and keep saying...oh try some Mum and seem not to understand when I refuse... and I of course feel bad refusing but I always pay the price if I do! I wish you the best in your battle and hope you have many more good days than bad. June
1. tmholland Contributor
 @Joonie76, Thank you so much for sharing some of your story and your kind words regarding mine 😀. We can only do what we can do, and trust me, I have done my share of hiding all this from my kids. That said, I also read your comments on my article regarding mental health. I'm really very sorry you are in a position where your other health challenges are keeping you from taking the anti-depressant. There are all kinds of anti-depressants and I am wondering if you would be able to take a different type. It's worth speaking with your doctor about this if you haven't already. Your resilience and positive attitude is inspiring. Please keep us in the loop and remember we are here for support. Hope your day is going well. -Todd, <a href='https://irritablebowelsyndrome.net' target='_blank'>IrritableBowelSyndrome.net</a> Team
Elizabeth Alvarez Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention user-id="2336240" username="tmholland"/> , I don't have children yet, however, I do want them in the future. I often wonder how I will handle IBS and Crohn's while being a parent. I definitely have my days were rest is imperative and I know getting alone time for rest is almost laughable when having small children. It seems that at least you have found ways to manage your IBS and of course being a father pushes you to improve your health which is always a plus. I hope you continue to improve and find new ways to manage parenthood with IBS. Best, Elizabeth (team member)