Cramping Tips from Me to You!

Dealing with tummy cramps are some of the worst pain that I, a 26 year old man, have experienced. It feels like something is trying to rip itself out of my gut. Like an alien xenomorph is trying to burst out of me like it did the late great John Hurt. It’s so bad, that I can hardly speak, and instead devolving in to stutters, clenches, and grunts.

Cramping tips in a pinch

The more I experience this bowel nightmare, the more “prepared” I become. I’m a fixer at heart, so just taking these cramps on this chin just doesn’t sit right with me. I’m always here to try and try again until I get a result that’s halfway decent! These tools have helped me in a pinch and I hope they’ll help you too.

Squatting

I’ve found that whenever I start feeling those tummy cramps, whether it’s an hour after a meal, or even immediately after it enters my f****** mouth, sitting on my haunches is a pretty foolproof plan. I know it’s how many people on the other side of the globe use the restroom, where they squat over some sort of hole, but I’ve found that the closest my body gets to its ancestral poop roots, the easier it is to get things moving. No joke! If I’m cramping, I’ll just pop a squat wherever I am! It starts moving my bowels, and gets it out of my system asap! When I lower my boot, I’ll start to toot; I am completely serious.

Massagers

I love massagers. Those little handheld three pronged massage toys really get things moving. I went on a walk with my mom and sister the other day. We were chatting about getting a new dog, looking at pictures of puppies that filled our mouths with smiles, all while I was pressing this massager deep into my guts. It felt so nice moving everything around, numbing the pain with those all too helpful vibrations, while making full conversation and eye contact. The jostling felt so good! They’re small, portable, and really get into my intestines. Ready to dislodge whatever poisonous globs are stuck up in there.

Heating pads

Heating pads have become my best friend. They’re SO cozy and absolutely roast my tummy to poopy perfection. Honestly I wish it could vibrate too, and just absolutely pulverize my body so any cramp would come second to whatever the hell this contraption would do to me. The warm comfort of my pad is so exquisite. It drowns the pain of my tummy woes with a blast of sauna-like sun power. I just wish they didn’t have that damned overheating shutoff feature. I know they’re supposed to stop house fires and stuff, but come on! Those first few minutes are wonderful!!

Fidgeting

When in doubt, fidget it out. I’ve found, from my extensive trials and error process, that breathing and wiggling my fingers really helps distract me from the pain. The WORST thing you could do is just take it. That rhythmic breathing and finger waggle really helps pull focus and concentration from my gut’s impending doom. A little potty dance would also suffice, but the finger flick is much more discreet, though admittedly less cool and badass.

Distraction techniques

Every time I come to this site, I’m reminded of how many people are going through these similar issues. The more I get to interact with y’all and hear your stories, the more I want to share the findings from my own!

That’s what I love about this site. Heck, this community. That we’re all out here, experimenting and reconning. Coming back with what best works for us! I hope you never feel defeated enough to not try a distraction technique to pass time during that all too familiar tummy pain.

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