Sex, Relationships, and IBS

I first began to have persistent symptoms of IBS beginning when I was 19 years-old and just a month or so into my junior year of college. I had just transferred to the school and within the first few hours met the person who would become my boyfriend for the semester within a couple of weeks. This would be my first real relationship (I went to an all-girl high school and was a late-comer to intimate dealings with the opposite sex), so it was unfortunate that it intersected with the onset of a disorder that began to seriously compromise and complicate my life. Embarrassed by my IBS Still technically a teenager, I was embarrassed by my illness and didn't really disclose any details to my boyfriend, other than to tell him that I had an "upset stomach" much of the time. Whenever he asked for clarification, that was all I would offer. Who wants to speak to their new boyfriend about their bathroom habits or issues? I didn't. We were both virgins learning about each other's bodies and I didn't want to introduce this unattractive thing I was dealing with behind the scenes. This was a shame, because in many ways it hindered us from ever becoming truly close to each other. Many times, my then-boyfriend would want to go out on some sort of excursion - either dancing at a club or one time to a mutual friend's cabin in the woods. And my stomach would be feeling squeamish, and I would say "no." At an age when I should have been at my prime, I began to feel trapped and old, like my life was over in many ways. Worse than often not being able to accompany him on trips or adventures, I sometimes became bitter and moody about it with him afterwards when he went without me, or guilted him into staying home, which in turn made him resentful of me. Breaking point of the relationship One breaking point for both of us was when Thanksgiving rolled around. I was desperate to go home to my family, and start eating real food again (looking back all these years, I have no doubt the substandard cafeteria food at my college worsened my symptoms) and to convalesce in my own bed and finally have access to a private, non-communal bathroom again. But I knew I would not be able to handle a Greyhound trip from upstate New York to Manhattan (the possibility of needing to use a bus bathroom filled me with terror, as did the prospect of then having to take the subway from the Big Apple to Brooklyn) and I didn't have a car at the time. I talked my boyfriend into driving me home (which was a two-hour drive) the Monday of that week when I got so sick I couldn't stand to be at my dorm for another minute. Even though I paid his gas, showered him with gifts afterwards, and thanked him profusely (as did my grandparents, who gave him a new coat and paid to tailor his old one that was fraying), it was the beginning of the end of our relationship. I could tell he really didn't understand my situation or why I couldn't take the bus, and in fairness to him, I wasn't completely forthcoming about the risks that would force me to take (such as defecating myself on public transit). Even if I had been honest though, I wasn't sure he would understand then either, as I've learned over the years it's difficult for most people to truly "get" things they don't themselves experience. IBS was the demise of another relationship A few years after college, when I was in my early 20s, I wound up in a relationship with another person that would last nearly a decade. Though my partner in that respect sometimes acted like he understood or empathized with my plight, it became clear as the years progressed that he did not and wished for a different kind of partner - someone without so many health problems. Even though my IBS was much better when we were together than it was during my college days, I still had nights where I couldn't go to the movies, or days when I needed to stick close to home. I had very specific, non-negotiable preferences about where we could eat out (places that had food offerings that I knew had less chance of triggering a flare for me) and if there was an event we were going to, I needed to make sure to know about the bathroom situation and what kind of food would be there. He felt constrained by all of these needs, and frustrated with me, and it led to many arguments and an overall tension in the relationship. I was tired of feeling defensive about my body...because in many ways he began to frame it as something in my head or something over which I had more control than I was exercising. It didn't help that this boyfriend was very much into a ton of traveling and high-octane adventures either (he was a black diamond skier, a rock climber, a mountain biker and someone who wanted to camp in the middle of nowhere for weeks at a time - things I all liked and wanted to do in the theory, but in actuality could not). This is not even to mention sexual intimacy, which can also be difficult to navigate. Diarrhea, constipation, gas and bloating are not sexy. And if I wasn't feeling well, sex is not going to make me feel better - and can actually sometimes cause an upset. Done feeling apologetic Now in my late 30s, I am at the age where I am done caring about what people think of me, and over feeling apologetic or ashamed over my body and its idiosyncrasies. My current partner, whom I've been with a few years now, seems to understand this much better than past partners. He is much more flexible about scheduling plans together and is much more lower maintenance in terms of what he needs to enjoy a life with me - going for a walk in our neighborhood, or simply staying in and watching a movie at home, is his ideal. We don't have to spend a lot of money, travel time, greenhouse gas emissions, or expend a lot adrenaline and physical exertion to enjoy ourselves together; however, we do other things as well, such as hiking, kayaking, and occasional weekend trips away from the city - but we plan carefully and keep in mind my limitations. My partner also has his own life - he's a part of several social groups that have weekly or bi-weekly meetings that he attends on his own without me, that offers him another independent outlet. And I in turn, enjoy my time alone at home to read, write, watch television, or my time doing things in my neighborhood with friends and neighbors. All of this is to say, it's been a learning experience, but the main things I've gleaned from it is that to have a successful partnership when one person has a chronic illness such as IBS is flexibility - by both partners - and compatibility. This is also why it helps to be honest early on in the relationship about one's health. If the would-be partner isn't interested or willing to to negotiate a life together that enable you both to have happiness and companionship, then it's probably best to move along and find someone who is willing (which you will). [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from IrritableBowelSyndrome.net:"] The new year is finally here, which means Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Now we all know that the real significance behind Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with romance. Nonetheless, whether you celebrate the holiday or not, I wanted to provide the IBS community with a few date night ideas that I feel could help spice up their relationships while dealing with IBS. My wife has always been my best friend, but I’d be lying if I said we didn’t have any down moments regarding our intimacy at some point during our relationship, especially due to my invisible illness. To make a long story short, we didn’t (and never) want to give up on our love, so we decided to think of creative ways to keep the romance and spark alive, while also not stressing about my IBS too much. Ever since we decided to make each other our priorities, we have grown closer and closer as friends and as a married couple. Therefore, I would like to share what has worked for me in my relationship/marriage while dealing with my IBS in hopes that they will work for some of you too. By no means am I a relationship expert. I am only sharing what I feel could help others step out of their normal shell and be more open-minded with their loved ones. It is up to you, the reader, if you want to try out any of my ideas or not. Make a memory on video This activity doesn’t require you to leave the comfort of your own home, which is great if your IBS is not behaving too well but you still have enough energy to do something. You can use your phone or a regular camera on a tripod while both of you casually talk or do something funny on film. Heck, you can even talk about how your condition affects your relationship or life. Nowadays, vlogging is becoming a common thing on social media and all you have to do is record your day naturally without worrying about being so formal – just be yourselves. This activity has not only helped me appreciate the special moments with my wife, but also to create more of them as well that we can look back on, even while dealing with my IBS symptoms. Make a song together This might sound silly if you’re not much of a singer or musician, but it’s another activity you can do from the comfort of your own home. You’d be surprised how much fun you can have with one another just being goofy while thinking of a song concept or lyrics to write down. Recently, my wife and I were being silly and creative together, and we came up with a hilarious song related to what I go through with my IBS. It’s called “I’m Constipated!” While coming up with the lyrics together, it was nonstop laughter in our home-office. We just couldn’t help ourselves with being silly and having that much fun together brought us that much closer. What’s great is that throughout our sessions, my IBS didn’t bother me at all. Try out a new cuisine together by taking a cooking class (online or in-person) Thanks to my wife, my palette has grown tremendously. When we want to be spontaneous, we’ll either learn a new recipe from an online video or we’ll go to an actual cooking class and gain experience that way as well. The great thing is that we like to try dishes that are sometimes very close to being IBS-friendly, so I don’t always have to worry about my symptoms going too crazy on me when we try something new. Plus, doing activities that we enjoy brings us closer. Watch new movies in or out of the house This is another activity you can do from home if your IBS symptoms are misbehaving. Create an ambience with white Christmas lights and lighting candles with pleasant aromas. My wife and I sometimes love having date night at home while having a romantic atmosphere and watching movies we haven’t seen before. It also makes it easier for me to deal with IBS issues if I have too, which she understands. I truly hope some of you find these tips to be helpful in not only making it easier to have date night while having IBS, but also bringing something new to your relationships. It takes being open-minded and willingness to keep the love fresh and alive. I personally feel doing the same thing over and over again creates a routine that one gets easily tired of and loses interest in. Again, I am no relationship-expert, but just someone who truly cares for other human-beings and their happiness. So, if there is anything that has helped me with either my condition or in my life, then I’m always willing to share with others. Please feel free to comment below what has worked for you in your relationships while dealing with IBS. Thank you for reading and take care! [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from IrritableBowelSyndrome.net:"] IBS isn’t always attractive. Okay let’s be serious, IBS is never attractive. Whether it be the bloat, the sounds, or the smells, IBS always leaves us feeling less attractive, and in many cases, less romantic. Not only do we feel less attractive when we are having a flare-up, we’re more than likely less attractive to our significant others. There’s nothing that can kill the mood more than IBS. I often have people ask me how to deal with IBS and relationships. Whether it’s a new relationship, or you’ve been in the relationship for years, each scenario as an IBS sufferer comes with it’s own challenges. Coping with IBS and new romantic relationships In a new relationship, my advice is to always tell your new significant other about your IBS sooner than later. You don’t want to be with someone who isn’t understanding of your health situation. This is not the easiest thing to do because of the stigma around IBS, but it’s better to do it at the beginning of a relationship, in my opinion. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve been with my husband for over 6 years, and for 5 of those years, I’ve had IBS, and the annoying syndrome still gets on his nerves! Even though it’s not always easy, he understands that IBS is part of our lives, and loves me and is patient with me despite my symptoms. It’s important to have someone that supports you, because if you are in a toxic relationship, it can make your IBS worse. No joke! Stress is a big cause of IBS, and if you are with someone who gives you a hard time about your illness, it can send you into a permanent flare. Coping with IBS and older romantic relationships I feel that even though my husband, IBS, and I have been in a relationship for 5 years, it’s important to revisit our complicated relationship with IBS on a regular basis. For instance, sometimes, I feel like I talk about IBS way too much. I try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes, especially when I’m having a bad flare, it can be really, really hard! But, I have found that the less we talk about IBS, the better off we are, and the better off our relationship is. It’s okay to talk about it; it’s even good to talk about it! Just don’t make IBS your main talking point. Your significant other and yourself will thank you. Your significant other is probably tired of hearing about it, and talking about something else can take your mind off of your symptoms, and even improve them! When you start to get comfortable with your significant other, “bathroom talk” becomes more acceptable. There’s even a study performed by Mic that found that the majority of people usually start to pass gas around their significant other between 2-6 months of dating. While it becomes more acceptable to pass gas in front of your significant other the more comfortable you get around each other, just remember, it’s cute and funny, sometimes. Most people with IBS, especially if you ate something that doesn’t agree with you, have bad smelling gas, and sometimes it can be loud. Just try to be mindful about your intimate relationship, and head to the bathroom and meditate or read a book if you get a bad bout of gas. Your significant other won’t mind. Trust me! IBS and intimacy When talking about having an intimate relationship with your significant other and IBS, there’s even so much more to talk about on this topic. Trading in intimacy for a heating pad is also a balancing act. I think having a relationship with IBS and your significant other is a hard thing to do, but it definitely can be done! If you are just mindful about a few things, it can make a world of difference. Your “few things” may be different than those listed in this article, but these questions can pertain to any IBS relationship habits. Is there something your significant other tells you is unattractive about your IBS? Is there a way to make it less predominant in your relationship? Now don’t get me wrong. There are some days that we all just need to be in our habitat and our natural state, and our significant others just have to get over it during those times! All I’m saying is there is always opportunity to improve, and just changing a few things listed in this article, can make your relationship with your significant other and IBS more attractive. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site"],Digestive issues can complicate your life in many ways, one of which can be your sex life. With IBS, there’s a lot of unpredictability. There’s the pain, the diarrhea, the running to the bathroom, and the uncomfortable constipation to deal with. The reality of your digestive health can make you feel less than sexy. The good news is there are ways to manage your IBS and sex life, and find creative ways to have a fulfilling intimate life. The impacts of IBS on sex A major part of having a fulfilling sex life is making sure you are honest and communicative with your partner. It’s important to make sure that your partner understands that you might have special needs or boundaries during sex that make you feel safe. Honest communication can not only keep you comfortable but can lead to deeper intimacy and more active and robust sex life! If your partner isn’t receptive to your needs, it might be time to try couples counseling. Your needs are valid! It’s also important to remember that just like your IBS symptoms, there will probably be ebbs and flows with your sex drive. When you’re having a flare-up, you might not feel any sex drive at all. Who could blame you? If you’re up for it, those times might be when some cuddling or a gentle massage might come into play. Sometimes just lying together on the couch can make you feel closer. Tips for sex with IBS For when you’re feeling a little more frisky, here are some tips to try: Dealing with pelvic pain Pelvic pain is often associated with IBS. Sometimes penetration might hurt or you might have other pain in your genital region. If that’s the case, try using a water-based lubricant to make things go more smoothly. Or, perhaps you might try avoiding penetration all together, and just doing oral sex, manual clitoral stimulation, or using a vibrator. It also might be helpful to mention any pain that you have to your gynecologist. They can help you troubleshoot. Experimentation In that same vein, try to be open to experimenting. Sometimes what we think of as “sex” just won’t work for you on a certain day, especially if you have anal sex. There’s tons of other options that are just as fun. Some ideas might be: a long slow massage, mutual masturbation, oral sex, or using sex toys. Reducing flare ups For some people, sex can trigger an IBS flare. It’s thought that this is possibly caused by the blood flow to the genital and anal region during sex. If this is the case, ask your doctor if there are any medicines you could take prior to sex that might help reduce the likelihood of a flare. Reducing anxiety You may have built up a lot of anxiety surrounding sex with IBS. That is completely understandable! But, anxiety can lead to IBS flares, and vice versa. Try to work on relaxing before you start getting steamy. This could be something as easy as 10 deep breaths, watching a meditation video on YouTube, taking a slow stroll around the block, or maybe some gentle touching between you and your partner. It might also help to dim the lights and set the mood so that you’re feeling extra cozy. As hard as this is, try to not feel shame. Having a chronic condition does NOT mean that you are damaged, undateable, or undesirable. That is simply just not true! Our bodies are complicated and strange, and IBS is a very common condition, affecting between 25 and 45 million people in the United States. You are in good company. Key takeaways Communication is key! Tell your partner what your needs are to make sure you are kept safe and have an enjoyable experience. Your sex drive, like your IBS flares, will come and go. Try to not overthink things. Sex does not have to have a rigid definition. If it feels good to you, you can define sex however you want. It’s your body and your life! Be creative, and do what feels pleasurable, whatever that means for you. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from IrritableBowelSyndrome.net:"] Here’s a topic I haven’t heard many people discussing when it comes to their IBS – the topic of intimacy. It’s one of the most requested topics I’ve had viewers of my YouTube channel ask me to talk about but I have to be honest, I’ve been putting it off. If there’s one thing that’s been the most difficult for me to admit about my IBS, it’s the fact that it gets in the way of the level of intimacy I’d like to experience with my wife sometimes. I’m sure many of you reading this in relationships, marriages, or even those that are single can relate to this frustration. We continuously ask ourselves the question: how can I be intimate when a simple touch from my partner can make my symptoms worse? Or, how can I feel like I’m going to perform my best when I’m in so much pain? Then the insecurities and worries begin to kick in, which doesn’t help with the mood at all. Due to the stigma of what it means to have IBS, many of us are left feeling unattractive, disgusting, too weak or incapable of pleasing our partners. This chronic condition leaves many with shot egos and low self-esteem, making it difficult to sustain a long-term relationship with anyone. For me, simply writing about this topic and being willing to put myself out there to the public is taking A LOT of courage which is messing with my anxiety right now, and in turn triggering my symptoms. However, I understand the significance of being vulnerable and sharing even the most personal of stories because it can possibly reach someone who needs to feel like they’re not alone in their suffering. Just be intimate with IBS I wish I could give tips on how to be romantic or prepare for sex while dealing with IBS, such as not eating anything beforehand, or trying to keep the stress and anxiety to a minimum, but frankly, I myself haven’t mastered that part yet. Realistically and for the most part, sex happens spontaneously, so you can’t always plan ahead or prepare yourself enough to make sure your IBS doesn’t overreact. Since IBS attacks are also spontaneous, I just do my best to relax, tolerate the pain, and be in the moment. Not to be too descriptive, but I also realize that the farther I get into the act, the pleasure tends to numb the pain, so it’s not always so bad once you get into the groove of things. Let’s face it, men and women have their needs, so it’s important in every relationship to keep the intimacy alive as best and as proactively as we can. So we all know that having IBS can be a significant obstacle when it comes to being intimate. So then, the question becomes, “How can we be intimate with IBS?” The answer is simply within the question – just be intimate with IBS. Many times we may not physically feel up to it, but there are other times when it’s simply our insecurities discouraging us from even attempting the act. If you want to feel and be more intimate, or even sexier, then you have to fight for it! We’re not always going to feel 100%, so it’s important we learn to be stronger and take advantage of intimacy even when we feel 30-50%. The name of the game is called “Power of the Mind”, and if you can master your mental more than your physical, than the latter won’t be much of an obstacle because you put in your mind that you’re unstoppable. How do you feel about intimacy while dealing with your condition? Please share your thoughts in the comment section below! Thanks for reading. [lead_gen showIfLoggedIn="0" campaign="shortcode" source="site" title="Sign up for emails from IrritableBowelSyndrome.net:"]

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